The Word On Film

Everyone Likes to Watch


Recommending a movie is like recommending a sexual position. How flexible is the person? How many partners do they prefer? What kind of partners do they prefer? Are they a Walk in the Clouds or a Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down kind of person? In polite society, you are never to speak of religion and politics. All that leaves is the weather. I find that talking about movies presents the same dilemma as talking about sex and religion and politics.

You feel very, very naked.

To select a movie and place it before family and friends as your cinematic choice means pealing back your raincoat and hoping that nobody laughs. Subject matter is the first thing scrutinized. Murder mystery. Social injustice. "Triumph of the human spirit." Explosive action. Fart jokes. Subject matter can be closely equated with values. Death=wrong. Justice=good. Action= physical stimulation. Drama= mental stimulation. Any movie that you recommend becomes a roadmap of your turn-ons. The Usual Suspects. Henry Fool. Heathers. DragonSlayer. The Last Unicorn. Spirited Away. Goonies. I have G-spots and B movies all over my frontal lobe.

Next to subject matter are the participants. My fiancé wanted so badly to see Adaptation. If you recall, my fiancé is the guy who likes movies with really big explosions. So I said to myself, "Should I warn him?" I mean, I saw Being John Malkovich and loved it, and in loving it, I knew that my fiancé would hate it. In the end I didn't warn him. I said nothing of the oddities--of the scene with John Malkovich wearing a dress in a restaurant with dozens and dozens of other John Malkoviches. Of John Cuszak commanding a 6-foot puppet and Cameron Diaz getting it on with Catherine Keener. My fiancé is dedicated-no devoted-to Nick Cage. Hell, my fiancé even took me to see Family Man because he loves Nick so much.

As the credits for Adaptation roll, my fiancé stared like a statue at the screen.

"Well, that sucked," he said.

But he can't wait to see Matchstick Men. Nick has cheated on him in bed, but my fiancé will take Nick back anyway. Devotion.

Actors, writers, directors, critics. You're in bed with all of them. Lots of arms and legs and toes wiggling all over the place. Is this a good thing? Well, it depends. When you recommend a movie you're saying, "Come join the multiple conjugation." If someone doesn't like Nick, well, then they won't get into bed with you. Movies can attract crazy sexual orgies or they can be the most effective method of birth control.

But what if no one wants to see the movie you recommend?

Sexual rejection is hard to swallow. I've been in a relationship for three years and hurdling on to infinitum. When I want to play and he says not tonight, I feel like… well, like I'm naked on the stage of a high school play. Sure, I am adult and recover quickly (only after mocking him to make myself feel better), but people hate to be rejected. I feel the same way when I whole heartly recommend The Fifth Element and receive frowns and gawfs.

So, how do you go about recommending movies to the masses without being rejected?

1. Gain authority. I have authority because you are reading my column. My words, strewn together in these sentences, have more impact than my voice droning on at the office water cooler.
   
2. See the movie. Yep. You gotta see it. I was convinced Cradle 2 the Grave was going to be terrible. I have not been impressed with Jet Li since his first US appearance in Lethal Weapon IV, and I have never been impressed with DMX. Saw C2tG this weekend. Yes. It was awful and pointless. The best line from the film, in regards to DMX's kidnapped daughter: "So, make another one."
   
3. Find many obscure references. Not quite sure, but I find it works when I can reference shows like Alias and movies like Run Lola Run all in one sentence. Find out how films are interconnected and soon you'll see patterns. Wes Anderson picks a repeat cast; Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas worked together on three or more movies with Danny DeVito. The "Spinal Tap" ensemble has struck gold with four films.
   
4. Be the ultimate fighting champion of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Seriously, it is a fun parlor trick that shows your IMBD-like memory of the cinematic universe.
   
5. Watch, watch, and watch. My mother sees movies in the theaters by herself all of the time. It's like masturbating. She has the freedom to explore what turns her on and what turns her off. Groups, otherwise known as good old-fashioned orgies, can also be a thrill. Finally, be willing to try it all.

I guarantee that these five points will help you get your movie preferences heard. No more hiding in the closet, ashamed to like Pauly Shore or Mary-Kate and Ashley flicks. Willie Wanka and Ted Danson rock! Get your voice heard! No more hiding! No more Meg Ryan! Fight and claw your way to the front of box office lines, strip off your clothes and demand to be heard!

If people don't listen, remember this: Deep down inside humanity is the core known as "naughty," where you can get messy and play, yet your hands stay immaculately clean. Everyone likes to watch.

Rebecca invites your ideas, insights, reviews, arguments, thoughts and incredibly wrong opinions:
back-talk Rebecca

>>Back to top<<