The Word On Film

The Hollywood Dog Myth

I do not have a Hollywood Dog. The Hollywood Dog, like the Hollywood Lifestyle for us Averages Joes and Josephines, is a myth. Now, having the dog or the lifestyle is not unobtainable, just very unlikely. My dog would not pull me from a well or jump on the bad guy. He wouldn't help a cranky old man regain a his love for life. He doesn't lead blind people across the street or even sniff out kilos of cocaine. Our mutt is a supposed Australia Cattle Dog mix, but he doesn't herd any cattle. Our dog is jobless, fameless, and feat-less.

Here is what our dog does do.

• Wakes us no later than 7 am, Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday we can keep him snug in the bed until 7:01.

• Barks when we do not play when he wants to plays.

• Barks when he wants to go for a 30-minute walk.

• Barks when he comes back from said 30-minute walk and is not feed immediately upon returning to the house.

• Barks when you are in the bathroom ("walking" yourself so to speak) and he is not with you.

• Barks when the garbage truck arrives (although the garbage truck has never breached the perimeter of the dog's domain).

So, essentially, he barks when bored, hungry, alarmed, and has to pee n' poop. For those of you who are not dog owners, this occupies approximately 95% of their existence.

From what I see of the well-trained, well-mannered Hollywood Dogs, they give their owners nothing but hours of well-behaved Hollywood bliss. They sit and lay silently, are ever at their master's side, and do complicated tasks like fetch the newspaper. Hollywood Dogs run on beaches for Viagra commercials, and hop into trucks for Ford commercials. Their hair, amazingly, says on their bodies. They never fart in the house. The Hollywood Dog, through feature films, sitcoms, and commercials, bring to the home something unique and very precious… a paycheck.

Within the first 48 hours of ownership, we spent the following on our dog.

• $70 adoption and license fee.

• $250 at Petco for the necessities/accessories. We purchased a dog bowl, water cooler bowl, leash, collar, nametag, toys, treats, crate, and owner support magazines for us.

• $180 at the vet for examination and medication for an eye infection.

About two weeks later we purchased baby gates, doggie bed, more toys, more food, and more treats.

Our dog has proceeded to damage the following:

• One Giro bike helmet, retail $70.

• One pair of prescription eye glasses, retail $275

• Two pairs of dress shoes, retail $160

• One couch cushion; This means purchasing a new couch, so ballpark $750 to $1500

• Countless paper towels and cardboard boxes.

• Several doggie toys chewed beyond recognition.

• One hand-me-down exercise matt.

• Completed one surgery "for free"-he lobotomized my Cabbage Patch doll.

• Several "accidents" on the carpet, which has been professionally cleaned.

We estimate the total to be over $2000. Since we've had our dog less than a year, and we think he'll live about another ten years, we are potentially facing $20,000 in damages. This does not cover the $100 food bill per month, plus monthly heartworm and flea and tick treatments, adding another $10 a month. Yearly vaccinations will probably run another $150 to $300. We've done one round of training classes at $125 and are about to do a second. Since my fiancé has recently returned to work and the dog is now alone again during the day; we are considering doggie day care, a walker, or another dog to keep him company. All we wanted was a perfect, Hollywood Dog. Financially, we have found ourselves with a child who must be feed, baby-sat, educated, and given siblings.

Then again, I find myself talking about my dog with such enthusiasm and affection. Despite the financial damage that he has caused and the changes he has made to my lifestyle (no more sleeping until noon), I realize that we would never give him up. He is our baby. Our fury, 70-pound puppy who still finds a way to squeeze into our tiny double bed at night. He stands in the bathroom with Greg and I as we brush our teeth. He bounds into the car for trips to the beach. He comes when he is called. He mostly stays out of the kitchen.

Our dog is not famous or a pedigree. He does not contribute financially. He is photogenic, but not a model. He is affectionate and loving. He is a huge pain in our asses, but he is family.

Rebecca's Recommended Dog Movies:
(Most Dog Movies are great to watch with family! But be careful, some can be real tear-jerkers at the end.)

Beethoven

Turner & Hooch

The Fox & the Hound

Where the Red Fern Grows

Babe (Although about a pig, the dogs are magnificent.)

Lady and the Tramp

Best in Show

Call of the Wild

Cats & Dogs

Homeward Bound

Island of the Blue Dolphns

Iron Will

Rebecca invites your ideas, insights, reviews, arguments, thoughts and incredibly wrong opinions:
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